Mondo Millennium
Tony Tsai

I'm sure that you're all aware that the millennium is coming to the end. As a favor to the general reading public, Cord features is proud to present a small recap of the events since the last millennium took place. How can I do this? Mainly because I have this great book that manages to summarize human accomplishments in 1000 pages, which is actually really pathetic if you come to think of it. But nevertheless, this will be an interesting look into human accomplishment. More knowledgeable and intelligent writers would probably look at the greatest accomplishments of the last millennium. But not me, why focus on boring stuff like enlightenment, exploration, colonization, industrialization and the such when I can focus on a 1000 years of stupid deeds, dumb ideas and mostly worthless accomplishments.

If the last 1000 years could be summed up in a few words, it would be about how whitey managed to invent anything and everything important, while exploiting everyone else in the name of development.

1000 If you thought Y2K is bad, you should have seen the havoc that was going on in Europe at the turn of the first millennium. Widespread panic ensued when the Roman Catholic Church decided to tell everyone that the end of the world was at hand and the Last Judgment was sure to follow. Boy did they have egg on their face when it was revealed the day after New Years, that Armageddon did not occur and that all the peasant could return to toil in their fields while the nobles and clergy could continue to whore and drink.

This was also the year that some of the first recorded mentions appeared of aborted attempts by individuals to fly or float in the air. Followed by recorded mentions of several individuals dying from hitting the ground at high velocities.

Leif Ericson, the son of Eric the Red supposedly discovers North America, Nova Scotia to be exact. He then discovers that there really isn't anything there and decides to go and raise several villages in England.

Indian mathematician Sridhara recognizes the importance of the number zero, allowing early mathematicians to use Arabic numbers past 9, saving them the tedious task of having to long division with Roman numerals, which all early mathematicians had agreed was a pain in the ass.

Actually, the first century of the millennium was quite boring, not much went on. Sure some Cathedrals were built and the Arabic culture reached some wonderful new insights into mathematics and culture, which aren't really mentioned in the history books because their not European, things just trotted along with nothing new or interesting happening. Some could blame the dark ages for this, but a more recent theory suggests (O.K. it's my theory) that it was due to a killer New Years party held by the people of Bohemia; where revelers partied like it was 999 which subsequently led to histories longest hangover which ended in ...

1120 When the Chinese may, or may not have, invented playing cards. Which may, or may not have, started the first game of 52 pick up; when some punk ass kid decided to trick his little, sweet and trusting brother into thinking that having cards thrown at him and then picking them up as fast as he can would be a fun way to spend an afternoon.

1151 The Icelanders, who are always ahead of their time, invent the first fire and plague insurance. Followed quickly by the creation of the first insurance commercial featuring an old man getting a call from his son about him getting insurance. "Inga it's Fredrik, he just got plague insurance."

1158 Munich become centre of salt trade after the demand of salted pretzels and nuts at popular Munich beer houses causes an influx of salt traders.

1163 A Quarrel starts between Henry II and Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Cantebury.

1164 Becket flees to France in shame after being called a Ninny in a big hat by Henry II.

1202 Court Jesters first appear in European courts. Preceded by the invention of pointy hats and jingly shoes.

1250 Hats come into fashion.

1290 Spectacles are invented, later that year the phrase "Hey you Four-eyed freak," comes to use.

1347 75 million people die of the black death. Luckily for the Icelandic insurers, plague insurance had not caught on in continental Europe.

1416 Dutch fishermen the first to use drift nets, thousands of dolphins are killed mistaken for tuna.

1465 Edward IV passes edict forbidding "hustling of stones" and other bowling like sports when it was revealed that throwing rounded objects at inanimate objects was just an excuse for fat guys to sit around and drink.

1467 In a similar act, the Scottish Parliament decrees that "fute-ball and golfe" not to be used.

1480 Leonardo da Vinci invents the parachute prompting no one to use it as flying was yet to be invented.

Ferdinand and Isabella appoint inquisitors against heresy among converted Jews. Adding fuel to the fire of religious persecution.

1489 The symbols + (plus) and - (minus) come into use, saving future mathematicians even more time and effort.

1492 Columbus sails the ocean blue. Financed by Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain, he ends up discovering the New World, which he mistakes for India. Starts a tradition of exploration, colonization and exploitation of the native peoples of the New World.

On the home front, the Inquisitor-General of Spain orders all Jews in Spain to convert to Catholicism within three months or face exile.

1495 Syphilis epidemic spreads from beleaguered Naples all over Europe through French soldiers.

1509 Beginnings of slave trade. Bartolome de Las Casa, Roman Catholic Bishop of Chiapas, proposes that each Spanish settler should bring a certain number of Negro slaves to the New World.

1533 First Lunatic asylums appear (without medical attention). Devil's are blamed for most psychiatric ailments.

1595 English army finally abandons the bow as a weapon of war. It was discovered that bows where very hard to fire while wearing six inch stiletto heels.

First appearance of heels on shoes.

1596 First water closets designed by Sir John Harington, courtier and author installed at the Queen's Palace in Richmond. Unfortunately, toilet paper was yet to be discovered. On a side note, a whole literary pastime of reading on the can was also introduced later that year.

1620 J.P. Bonet writes "The Art to Teach Dumb People to Speak," a Spanish manual. A personal favorite which unfortunately has yet to catch on.

1630 Pirates of all nationalities, called "buccaneers," settle in Tortuga, off the northwest coast of Hispanoila. Later, the town council proposed a name change to "BucannerLand", but was turned down as it was considered a copywrite infringement on Disney.

1635 Sale of tobacco in France restricted to apothecaries, only on doctor's prescription.

1641 Arsenic prescribed for medicinal purposes for first time. It was a common practice at the time to prescribe deadly chemicals for stomach aches.

Theophraste Renaudot publishes his plan for free medical treatment of needy in Paris; three years later faculty of medicine forbids him to practice.

1648 John Stearne pens the "Confirmation and Discovery of Witchcraft." The main thesis of his work in on how to discover witches based on how well they float after being drowned.

1650 Leather upholstery first used for furniture.

1657 Drinking chocolate introduced in London. Followed by snorting caramel.

1694 Salt tax doubled in England. Seriously affecting the sale of fish and chips.

1700 The commode becomes a popular piece of furniture. To this day, no one is sure what a commode is.

Unmarried women taxed in Berlin.

1724 Gin drinking becomes popular in England.

1727 Stephen Hales writes "Vegetable Staticks" or "Statical Essays" on nutrition of plants and plant physiology.

1738 First cuckoo clocks invented in the Black Forest district. The people of the area are soon deafened by the incessant sound of cuckoo's every 15 minutes.

1744 First recorded cricket match: Kent vs. All England. Has yet to be finished.

1756 First chocolate factory opens in Germany, ensuring the Germany's fame as the land of chocolate.

1774 Rules of cricket first drawn up. To this day, no one understands them.

1786 Earliest attempts at internal gas lighting in Germany and England. (No comment)

1791 The "English Stud Book" published for the first time. (No comment)

1795 Metric system adopted in France. Has yet to be adopted by the Americans to this day because it's to difficult for the Americans to understand a measuring system based on factors of 10 as opposed to randomly generated numbers.

1797 John MacArthur introduces Merino sheep to Australia.

1808 Disappearance of the fashion of pigtails in men's hair.

1830 Ladiesí skirts grow shorter; sleeves become enormous; hats extremely large, ornamented with flowers and ribbons.

Stiff collars become part of menís dress.

1835 Charles Chubb patents burglar proof safe.

Samual Colt takes out an English patent for hi single barreled pistol and rifle.

1841 P.T. Barnum opens the 'American Museum,î an exhibition of freaks, curios, etc., in New York City.

Eng. Mechanical engineer Sir Joseph Whitworth proposes standard screw threads.

1842 The polka, a lively dance of Czech origin, comes into fashion.

1843 Metallic element erbium discovered by C. G. Mosander.

First painted Christmas card designed by John C. Horseley.

Beginning of skiing as a competitive sport.

1861 Daily weather forecasts are begun in Britain.

Roller skating introduced in North America

First salmon cannery in U.S. at Washington, California.

First carpet sweeper comes into use.

First postcards introduced in Austria.

1873 Major W. C. Wingfield (Britain) introduces the modern game of lawn tennis at a garden party, under the name Sphairistike.

The game of Bingo is developed from the Italian lotto game of tumbula.

John M. Fox of Philadelphia learns about golf on a trip to Scotland and introduces the game to America.

English Lawn Tennis Association founded. Major W. C. Wingfield was not in attendance at the opening after being told Sphairistike was a dumb name.

Fridtjof Nansen leads an exploring party across Greenland on snowshoes.

Fridtjof Nansen begins his unsuccessful expedition to the North Pole.

King C. Gillette invents the safety razor.

1900-to present Nothing important to mention.

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