A titillating feature On Women on their relationships, on sex, on guys from the minds of actual Laurier women
Ross Bullen

Ah, Valentine’s Day. It’s just around the corner, you know.

That’s right, in only a scant few days wily Cupid will be greasing up his crossbow (sorry, I’m coming up kind of short with the ol’ crossbow lexicon...), fastening his diaper pins and launching his enchanted love sticks directly through the tender left ventricle of every googly-eyed sap with a $500 credit limit and the irrepressible desire to get laid. Flowers will be bought, candies will be proffered and condoms will be unwrapped with the unyielding fervor of a sticky-fingered kid on a pre-dawn Christmas Day. For those of us who are nestled comfortably in the cozy little furrow known as a ‘relationship’, February 14 can be one heck of a good time. Alas, this bliss cannot be realized by all.

You see, we must not forget that other little granfalloon that tends to crop up and identify itself around V-Day: the perpetually single. I mean those good, decent people who, for some reason or other, always seem to be spending Valentine’s alone. Sure, some of these people (your humble author included) probably deserve it, considering they spend the other 364 days making fun of other people for sport and cracking callous, sarcastic, jerky remarks at every possible opportunity (and doing a damn fine job of it, I might add). But what about the others? The friendly, kind people who just can’t seem to make things click?

Don’t worry fellas, I think we’ve got something here that just might help. Your ace reporter has - after painstaking hours of legwork and research - compiled the definitive interview on sex and relationships. If you’re single, and you don’t want to be, this in-depth portrait of what women want and think should be the master key to your future success.

Let’s meet our subjects, shall we:
KATIE B, 2nd year business: makes fun of people a lot.
OEDIPA M, 3rd year psychology: likes movies in which the main characters are animals.
FRENESI G, 1st year business: thinks circumnavigation requires a Rabbi.
JESSICA S, 2nd year history: still owes me $10 from early October.

Obviously, all of the names are fake, cleverly stolen from a certain author renowned for his anonymity.

All of these women agreed to answer our survey honestly, in order to provide a real insight into what the female half of Laurier is feeling and thinking. I am almost certain this has not come even close to being accomplished. Oh, well. What can you do?

Get on with the survey? Good idea…

Q: What’s the first thing you’d notice about a guy if you were to meet at, say, a bar, for example?
FG: Their eyes.
KB: Their eyes and how they dress. Especially their shoes.
JS: A bulge in the pants.
(Dear God, how I hope she’s talking about wallet size…)
OM: Nothing specific, you know, lots of things.

Q: What’s a good pickup line? Either one you use or one you’ve heard.
FG: Do you want to kiss me? That’s a great line.
OM: I heard a really good one a couple of weeks ago. This weird tall guy (looked a lot like the nerdy guy from News Radio) said it to me.
It’s sort of like a knock-knock joke, it goes like this: He asks, "How much does a polar bear weigh?" I say, "I don’t know." He says, "Enough to break the ice," and he gives me a really sly look. It’s corny, but it’s pretty funny.
KB: They’re all pretty bad…

Q: What turns you on and what turns you off about a guy?
JS: It all has to do with that bulge in the pants.
FG: His body, he must be buff. But I hate a huge ego.
KB: Turn on? If he can drink a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps in fifteen minutes and still beat all of Bricker 704 (‘97-’98) in a thirty yard dash, he’s the one for me.
(Looks like she’s fixin’ to be good and lonely…)

Q: Have you ever cheated on your significant other?
JS: Yes
FG: Yup
OM: Sure.
KB: Once.
(Chalk one up for polygamy!)

Q: What’s the best way to break up with someone?
JS: Why break up when you can just see other people?
FG: Over the phone.
OM: The same way you ask someone out, have your friend do it.
(Ah, grade 6 social rules, how I miss ye…)
KB: It all depends [on] how long you’ve been seeing them.

Q: How long does it take before you tell someone you love them?
FG: As long as it takes to love them. (touchÈ)
JS: You don’t.
KB: Well, you subtract their age from your parent’s combined age, multiply it by the cubed root of your GPA, divide it by the spread of next week’s Notre Dame game…
OM: 73 days. No more, no less.

Q: What would you consider romantic?
JS: Soft porn.
FG: Candles and flowers.
KB: The usual stuff I guess. It all depends on the guy.
OM: Something really original and fun that I’ve never done before. A really good surprise. Something funny and clever, something that will tell me this guy is different.

Q: What do you expect on a first date?
FG: Sincerity and a kiss.
(Funny, I expect to be swiftly rejected. Go figure.)
KB: A kiss, hold hands.
OM: A fun time. Beyond that, it all depends.
JS: Lots of things.

Q: How long should you go out with someone before you sleep with them?
FG: Until you’re in love.
JS: Sex is the first step in a relationship.
KB: Well, once you take the spread from the Notre Dame game and multiply it by the body weight (in kilograms) of your favourite sea mammal and then divide it by the number of tacos you can eat in one sitting…
OM: Same as love. 73 days. No exceptions.

Q: What is your favourite position?
JS: Upside-down doggy style.
FG: Anything Kama Sutra.
KB: Whatever will keep my chiropractor bills at a minimum.
OM: I don’t know what you call it, but it requires a belt sander and a very ripe watermelon.

Q: What is the longest time you’ve had sex for:
JS: Over 2 hours
KB: Long enough to burn a meatloaf.
OM: Who knows? Who cares?

Q: What is your favourite colour?

(Sorry. I was starting to feel like the bridgekeeper in Monty Python And The Holy Grail. Sometimes the nerdiness just has to shine through…)

Q: Do you masturbate? If yes, then on average, how many times do you masturbate a week? If no, why not?
FG: No, because I don’t need to.
(This sentence is incomprehensible to a man. Incomprehensible.)
JS: Yes; I don’t know, 10 times maybe?
KB: I don’t keep track but, sure, I masturbate.
OM: Every single person masturbates. It’s a fact.

Q: What’s hotter, sex with someone you’re in an intimate relationship with, or a stranger you picked up at a bar?
JS: Stranger.
FG: Stranger.
OM: Gotta go stranger.
KB: Probably the relationship guy.

Q: How old were you when you lost your virginity?
JS: Thirteen, I think.
FG: Fifteen.
OM: What year was that? I think The Cosby Show was still on...
KB: Pretty old, that’s all I’m saying.

Q: Would you ever consider having a threesome? If yes, would the threesome involve your significant other? And what is the ideal ratio of guys to girls in your threesome?
JS: Yes, but never with my significant other. I think it would be best with two guys and me.
FG: I’m not saying if I would or wouldn’t, but I definitely wouldn’t with my boyfriend. I’d only do it if it were two other guys.
KB: Would I? Probably. I’d have to talk about it with my boyfriend, I suppose, as to whether or not he’d want to (if I had a boyfriend). I don’t know about the ratio, I’d have to see.
OM: I have before, it’s not that special. I liked it best with two other guys; I don’t care if one of them is my boyfriend.

Q: Have you ever used sex toys? If so, how was the experience? If not, would you consider using them in the future?
FG: No
KB: I don’t think so. What counts as a sex toy?
JS: Handcuffs. Also, I don’t know if this counts, I know this guy - he looks and acts a lot like Gilligan - who was eating the suicide wings at Casey’s and neglected to wash his hands before going to the bathroom and, well, the sauce didn’t really agree with his delicate goods. That produced a sensation ‘down there’ all right.
(Thank God for those of us bright enough to use the Wetnaps.)
OM: I’ve got a vibrator.

Q: Have you ever been involved in a homoerotic situation? If so, how was it and when? If not, would you consider it?
FG: No
JS: NO (emphatic)
(Methinks the ladies do protest too much, hmm Mr. Freud?)
OM: In a threesome once, I didn’t really care for it.
KB: Sure, most people have, really. I don’t want to tell too much about it, though.

Q: Where was the oddest place you’ve ever had sex?
FG: Parent’s Bed.
JS: P3007.
(How much space is there under those desks?)
KB: Nowhere really special, a forest, once.
OM: In a tree. I’m not offering any explanations.

Q: Have you ever had sex with someone you didn’t like? or Have you ever had sex out of pity for someone?
FG: No, on both counts.
KB: It wasn’t really pity, it was more like empathy. But I did like the guy
JS: No
OM: I’ve had sex with people I didn’t like very much, but never out of pity. If you pity someone, there’s probably a good reason for it.

Q: Do you like vanilla sex, or do you prefer to get all sticky and nasty?
FG: Hunh?
JS: Sticky and nasty.
KB: I guess I like it the regular way most of the time. Missionary, I suppose.
OM: You’ve gotta shake things up every now and then.

Q: Have you ever faked an orgasm?
JS: Nope.
KB: I don’t know. I mean, what counts as an orgasm? One time, my leg fell asleep and I screamed because it freaked me out. The guy took this as being a good thing. What the hell does that mean?
FG: No.
OM: Sure, a couple of times.

Q: Do your parents know you’re having sex?
JS: Who do you think taught me?
FG: No way.
OM: Sure, but they don’t know how long I’ve been having sex for.
KB: Maybe, I don’t really know. They probably suspect it. We never really talked about it.

Q: Does size really matter?
KB: For what?
JS: Yes
FG: No.
OM: Sort of.
(Well that clears it all up, thanks ladies...)

Q: Have you ever discussed your sexual history with your partner before you had sex with them, or do you just hope for the best and assume that everyone was all good and wholesome before you met?
FG: I know everyone’s good and wholesome.
KB: It’s not a job interview, I don’t want to ask too much. But still, you want to know something.
OM: You have to know to be safe.