Thou shalt not sloth
Ross Bullen

Humanity, awash in the cosmos, travelling at unbelievable velocities, servile to the whims and random coldness of an infinite universe, helpless to do anything but await our inevitable and meaningless fate, hurtling away into nothingness, approaching the unavoidable zero of our existence's rational equation...
We know that we came out of nothing as the universe expanded and we are all too aware that we will be annihilated when, in four or five billion years, the sun explodes and, eventually, the universe collapses back into the sub-atomic four dimensional particle from whence it originally sprang forth. And that's the best-case scenario. If the human race doesn't find some way to eradicate itself inside of four billion years (or for that matter, inside of a couple hundred years) I would be rather impressed. Succinctly, we are doomed, doomed, DOOOOOOMED!
Quite frankly, it's enough to make a person somewhat despondent.
With such a cruel reality upon us, is it any wonder that apathy is so prevalent? Why does anyone even bother to get out of bed anymore?
Nevertheless, every day, people do get up and go out and do all of those little tasks and gestures that we nicely bundle up and label as "life". Without our daily routines and responsibilities we would find our lives to be incredibly bleak and meaningless. But still, most of us (especially those of us at university) manage to spend an impressive amount of time doing, uh, well, nothing. Our sloth-like behaviour is not something we should dismiss; we should examine it, praise it and cherish it. After all, after considering the alternatives, sometimes doing nothing is the best choice of all.
Any examination of sloth (or any vice at all, really) must begin with a quick snippet of wisdom from our very own 90's cultural guru, Homer Simpson. Homer tells us that "it wasn't easy juggling a pregnant wife and a disturbed child, but somehow I still managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." There is a lesson to be learned from this: no matter how many outside pressures or responsibilities may tempt us, it is simply not acceptable to cut into our lounging time in order to "do something about it." Is it really worth missing that Seinfeld re-run you've only seen five times before just to volunteer at some lousy hospital or something?
Of course, this kind of slothfulness is not without its own inherent risks. TV, the lazy man's mistress, can carry a heavy toll. I mean, about 99% of what finds its way on to TV is absolute crap. Even in the middle of an excellent show, one runs the risk of being exposed to something as hideous as a GAP commercial or, God forbid, one of those diversity@eatons things. I would recommend having a noose handy just in case.
TV is not like Jesus; it is not the only way to the great God of sloth (although, unlike Jesus, it can actually perform miracles. Three Ginsu knives for twenty bucks! The best of Jefferson Starship for fifteen! Hallelujah!) Any self-respecting automaton knows that time can be easily wasted, even when the cable goes out.
Sleeping is a great alternative to watching TV. It takes dedication and commitment to stay in bed all day; to avoid being exposed to the sun and to bravely ward of the inevitable skin diseases and scurvy that come with doing so. Who cares if all your body hair falls out and you forget how to talk? You'll be so well rested the usually brisk stroll over to the Adults Only video store will seem like nothing at all.
As is the case with anything, this kind of behaviour is sure to have its critics, people who will deride it as pathetic, depressing or pointless. These people are pretty much right. But, given the alternatives, laziness seems like a pretty good option. The world is becoming an increasingly chaotic place, at times it just seems safer to stay inside. I mean, any period of time in which both country music and professional wrestling are experiencing a significant upswing in popularity, can only serve to indicate the eventual trailer-trashification of our already delicate society. Why even bother getting out of bed when we live in a time where trashy novels and mindless self-help guides dominate our best-sellers lists, where Oprah and Rosie infect our TV channels, where the Spice Girls, the Backstreet Boys, and countless other teeny-bop stars overrun our airwaves, where corny nonsense like Titanic and Armageddon make million of dollars, as the mindless troglodytes line up, drooling, begging for more bullshit to fuel the fire of their undying ignorance and complacency? Why would any intelligent person want anything to do with the grand corporate plot that is the massive dumbing down of our entire culture? With so much out there determined to scuttle our barely buoyant existence into the depths of an entirely zombie-like lifestyle, is it any wonder that I choose sloth, that I choose not to participate? Lie back, relax. Have a good time. Don't worry yourself thinking about it too much. Await annihilation (culturally, creatively, and corporeally) anyway you want.