That's it for the women. Now BRING on the MEN
Sarah Ridley & Toni Tsai

We conducted a short survey with four, very average, Laurier males based on the same questions the females were asked in their interviews. We were hoping that by letting them take home the surveys and then think about their answers, we would be able to get some serious, thought-provoking responses to our queries. Instead, we got these, though we were impressed with the legibility of their handwriting and minimum amount of stains (food, beer, others) on the page. We even let them make up their own alias in order to protect their identities and whatever is left of their reputations.

Male 1: Japhy Ryder
22 years old: A simple man in many respects. Enjoys sunny walks, open fires, candlelit dinners and torturing small animals with gardening tools.

Male 2: Billy Bob
21 years old: Wants desperately for someone to love him while wearing a strap-on dildo and showing him what it really means to be a bitch.

Male 3: Rob Verrilli
22 years old: Has an ass fixation. ‘Nuff said.

Male 4: Anita Handjob (?????)
22 years old: Is in touch with his feminine side, but prefers to touch his male side, a lot. Now if he could just get a female to touch him.

Q: What do you notice first about a person of the opposite sex, if you were to meet, say, at a bar setting?
JR: Their nose… if they have a nose that doesn’t match their face, they end up appearing less attractive.
BB: Their appearance, you know, their ass, face, breasts.
AH: Breasts, legs, ass.
RV: Ass, I always notice a nice ass.

Q: What is your best pickup line? Or, what is the best pick up line anyone has tried on you?
BB: What’s your name? (Ohh, he’s a real charmer.)
RV: I’ve lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
JR: No words, all action. Actually, I find just making fun of every moment seems to work… people want to be with people who are having fun.
AH: I’d crawl 1000 miles over broken glass just to watch you shit. Or, I’d eat the corn out of the shit of the last guy who fucked you.
(??? Not only is he a charmer, he has issues too.)

Q: What turns you on about a girl?
AH: Her smile.
JR: When they wake me up in the middle of the night (from a deep sleep) by kissing my body.
RV: Ass, it’s all about the way she fills out a pair of jeans.
BB: Appearance, intelligence and willingness to have sex.

Q: What turns you off about a girl?
AH: Acne, physical deformities, talking.
JR: The pitch of her voice.
RV: Everything but the ass. (So I’m guessing you like asses? Right, wrong?)
BB: Lack of intelligence and/or unwillingness to have sex.

Q: What do you expect on a first date? JR: A conversation that isn’t about the weather, sports or school! A real chance to know what’s going on in the other person’s mind.
BB: Sex.
AH: Sex, sex and more sex.
RV: Twenty bucks worth of ass groping.

Q: What would you consider romantic?
BB: Not much.
JR: Being taken to the place of my birth, (no, not the hospital) Milan. RV: A nice warm bubble bath or a beer and a football game. (I can see it now; Hallmark Valentine’s Day cards that read "Pass the pork rinds and the remote dear. P.S. I love you.")
AH: Foreplay (romantic and a charmer. Ladies, how can you resist?)

Q: What’s the best way to break up with someone?
JR: Face to face and brutally honest.
BB: Tell them straight out. But first prep them with simple, subtle hints. (Like every time she seems to be not paying attention to you, quickly blurt out "I hate you." When she faces you and asks what you just said, reply, "Nothing," or "I mate you.")
AH: Don’t call them.
RV: Tell them you’re gay. (At least it’ll explain the ass fixation to them.)

Q: Have you ever cheated on your significant other?
AH: No.
BB: Yes.
RV: Yes.
JR: Never sex. But I’ve kissed someone else… in my mind that’s cheating… so yes!

Q: How long should you go out with a girl before sleeping with her?
BB: One hour.
AH: First date.
JR: Everyone is different… depends on the person and the feeling associated with that person.
RV: First date.

Q: How long does it take before you tell someone you love him or her?
BB: Never happened.
JR: Only said it once and it was a moment that hopefully will never happen again… they saved my life. Never say it unless you mean it.
AH: Years. Many many years.
RV: Avoid it like hell.

Q: What is your favourite position?
RV: 69.
JR: Totally depends on my partner...no preference.
AH: Doggie style.
BB: Doggie style.

Q: What is the longest time you’ve had sex for?
JR: Sex… 8 hours; intercourse… who knows; who can think about time.
AH: A week.
RV: 6 hours.
BB: 45 minutes.
(Apparently we should have made it clearer. We mean sex with another real person, not an imaginary one or with someone over the Internet.)

Q: Do you masturbate? If yes, then on average, how many times do you masturbate a week? If no, why not?
AH: Yes, 21 times.
BB: Yes, once a day.
RV: Yes, 14 times a week.
JR: Yes, depends on whether or not I’m sexually active… if yes, 3-4; if not, 10-12.
(Finally, a chance to use the word masturbate in a legitimate context within the features section. Hmmm, all the men say they masturbate, what a surprise.)

Q: What’s hotter, sex with someone you’re in an intimate relationship with, or a stranger you picked up at a bar?
AH: Stranger.
BB: Stranger.
RV: Stranger.
JR: Sex with someone I feel comfortable with… no inhibitions! They may or may not be a stranger.

Q: How old were you when you lost your virginity?
BB:19
AH:17
JR: Unfortunately 12 years old! (???? I was still playing with Transformers at twelve.)
RV: 12 (Catholic priests don’t count)

Q: Would you ever consider having a threesome? If yes, would that threesome involve your significant other? And what is the ideal ratio of girls to guys in your threesome?
JR: Yes… it would involve them if they were interested. 2 girls to one guy… my arousal would be limited the other way.
AH: Yes… 2 girls to one guy.
RV: Yes… 2 girls to one guy.
BB: Yes… 2 girls to one guy.
(Hmmm, I’m starting to see a pattern emerging here.)

Q: Have you ever used sex toys? If so, which one and how was the experience? If not, would you consider using sex toys?
BB: No. Yes.
AH: Yes, mouse traps (???), it was painful.
RV: Yes, a tickle me dildo.
JR: Yes, too many to mention… all good experiences because we were both into it.

Q: Have you ever been involved in a homoerotic situation? If so, how was it and when? If not, would you consider it?
RV: No, and NO.
AH: Nope and Nope.
BB: No and not really.
JR: Yes, it doesn’t excite me, but it’s usually in a situation with close friends.

Q: Where is the oddest place you’ve had sex?
AH: On the Brantford Transit. (Remind me to never take the bus when I’m in Brantford.)
RV: Grad Pub.
BB: Car.
JR: On the roof of my house ("Honey, I think there are Racoons in the attic again. Oh wait, never mind, it's just our son banging some girl on the roof")

Q: Have you ever had sex with someone you didn't like? Or have you ever had sex out of pity for someone?
JR: No, but my emotions change quickly and never out of pity!
RV: All the time... my girlfriend.
BB: Yes.
AH: Yes and yes.

Q: Do you like vanilla sex or do you prefer to get all sticky and nasty?
BB & AH: Sticky and Nasty.
RV: Sticky and Nasty, especially if it’s on the ass.
JR: Both, passion can come in either form, depends on the moment!!!

Q: Do your parents know you’re having sex?
JR: Yes, ever since I lost my virginity… really open relationship.
Everyone else: Yes

Q: Have you ever faked an orgasm?
JR: I have faked orgasms. I know many men who have - it’s quite easy.

Q: Does size really matter?
Everyone: Yes (quelle surprise.)

Q: Have you ever discussed your sexual history with your partner before you had sex with them, or do you just hope for the best and that everyone was all good and wholesome before you met?
BB: Who cares.
JR: Always… with sex the more you and your partner learn about each other, the better it is… it’s more comfortable.